#If i was bragging but not gonna lie im so proud of myself

[mik0is0bored]

UHH GUESS WHO JUST FINISHED A COLLEGE PREP CHEMISTRY TEST AND TWO BONUS CREDIT PROBLEMS WITHOUT STUDYING🗣‼️

[echos-girlfriend]

You and I don't talk, but you showed up on my dash often. I don't make it a habit to flip to anon, but I felt I had to for this. I don't want to get outed and possibly have it spun to be perceived as jealous or bitter. Actually..no. I won't go on anon for this. If I'm wrong about all of this, well...you guys know where to bring the mob to.

I completely understand wanting to be proud of your accomplishments, but I think the line got crossed somewhere. I don't know you that well so your statement of “only been on Tumblr for a month and already at 200 followers” could be perceived as bragging. In comparison, I've been on Tumblr for almost a year. I only just reached 100.

Not gonna lie, it hurts. I've gone over all of my writing with a fine tooth comb. There had to be something wrong with it right? I pump out content as fast as I can. I spend hours studying writing techniques. I give myself challenge after challenge, but it's not enough. It's never enough.

I don't even know what I want to accomplish with you reading this (if this wasn't eaten by Tumblr or just deleted). Maybe that the perception I'm currently seeing (and I'm happy to be proven wrong on this) is that you might be self interested to the point where you might be blind to other people's struggles.

Some writers aren't as fortunate as you. Some writers take much longer to carve out what little following they have. Some writers want to give up after seeing another post out of the many detailing someone being 'Tumblr famous'. Oh...it's me. I'm some writers.

I had to unfollow you for that reason alone. I have to look out for me at the end of the day. And I already struggle to avoid comparing myself to others, but to be plagued with it on my dash. I couldn't do it anymore.

And before I end this, no I don't want any hate spread on either side. If anyone feels the need, my box is open let's get the lashing over with. I'm just coming with a concern, and if I'm in the wrong for having these thoughts then so be it.

I hope you continue growing as a writer.

I am very sorry. It was never my intention to come off as bragging or to hurt someone. If my way of expressing things came off as bragging or narcissistic I’m so sorry. I think you’re an amazing writer, truly I do.

This message is truly tearing me up inside. If you want to talk to me privately over things you think I could change or be better about please do. For me being on for only a month and getting 100 seemed almost impossible and I was just proud of myself for. Achieving it. I’ve heard it can take a long time (years) to have a following. My Wattpad stories didn’t get attention for a long time and then I finally got a following on there..

If at any time a statement I made or a thought I had sounded or felt like I was bragging or narcissistic please tell me. It is never my intention to seem like a jackass or stuck up.. unless I’m joking. And I want to fix it and all the things I did

Some may say it’s no excuse but my adhd and other mental health issues can sometimes cause me to be blunt or not understand others struggles completely I do however take it to full consideration that others DO have struggles.. I’m sorry if I couldn’t understand yours completely..

If this response isn’t enough or not helpful I and sorry. Im doing my best to correct things I’ve done wrong which definitely triggers my anxiety disorder. Being wrong, or coming off as mean, rude or self centered is the last thing I want to do to anyone. I hope you can understand.. and thank you for bringing this to my attention

[h0neyjaehyun]

☁︎ 𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐓𝐫𝐢𝐜𝐤 ☁︎

Summary // Tali decided maybe a little flirting won't hurt....oof.

Characters // Talia Flores + Jung Jaehyun(ft.Nct 127)

Era / Year // July 2017

Word Count //

Note // I would like to thank @woopetals for this🥰, ya girl was struggling anyway HAPPY BIRTHDAY OUR VALENTINE BOY JUNG JAEHYUN❤❤❤

"Hey cutie." Jaehyun came into her room laying beside her. She looked up from her book then looked back down and shook her head.

"So you not gonna acknowledge me?" Jaehyun looked offended. Tali looked at him.

"Oh, were you talking to me, I thought you were talking to someone named Cutie." She put a hand on her chest and acting dramatic. Jaehyun rolled his eyes about to leave.

"Ohhh no no no, stayyyy." She whined grabbing on to his shirt.

"Will you respond to me then?" He raised an eyebrow at her and gave her a teasing smile. She slighty lowered her head and pouted.

"Fine, but come on and lets go the cafè handsome." She said getting off her bed, poking his cheek along the way. He loaded for a second but shook it off thinking, no she just playing no way she is gonna keep this up.....

Boy was he wrong.

They left the dorm, and she had a cute smile on her face. Then she suddenly hooked her pinky to his and and took him to the elevator. He was surprised at the sudden contact, he knew he was screwed.

She was humming all the way to the cafe still hooking pinkys. He was just admiring her honestly, trying to figure out what she was thinking.

They made it to the cafe and they got their drinks. They sat down at a table near the back to privacy.

"Whats with you, why you such in a good mood?" Jaehyun asked really curious what got her such in a good mood. She smiled at him and came closer to his face looking him up and down, as he slighty backed away from the sudden closeness. She giggle at his action, she then whispered.

"You."

She quickly went back to her seat sipping on her coffee smiling innocently like she didn't make the handsome man infront of her freeze from her act.

"I- I-"

"shhhh,come one lets go get food and have a picnic." She interrupted him grabbed his hand and dragging him to get some chicken.

Jaehyun's brain malfunction a bit he's not gonna lie, he wasn't expecting that. They got the food and went to the Han River instead to get more privacy.

"Here Cutie." He said smirking, trying to feed her but he is extra close. He was in competition mode, no way he is letting Talia win this.

Tali looked at him she took the bite confidently moved back and hummed.

"Im disappointed Jaehyun." She sighed shaking her head. She then resting her head on her hand looking at him with a mechivious look on her face only a couple people have seen.

"I was hoping you would use your mouth to give me my food how disappointing." She said slightly eyeing his lips then cutely poking his cheek with a pout.

He has never been this surprised, its not the first time Tali has flirted back but its only little comments not full on flirting. His soul left his body, he was a still statue. Tali noticed this and started poking him to get back to the real world.

"Jaehyun~ come back."

"Oh- uh-" he stumbled around his words now fully realizing what just happened. She started giggling when she noticed his ears were turning red.

"Aww, wait I'm sorry, now I feel like I went too far." She said trying to cool his ears down with her hand.

"Oh n-no no your fine I wasn't expecting that." Now replacing her hands with his. She giggle again at his embarrassment, she looked up to the sky noticing it was getting dark.

"Come on mi Bon bon lets go home." She sighed grabbing his hand to get him up. He smiled at the nickname and shook his head. He cleaned up while she was getting smoothies.

"Wow, I really dug a whole for myself." He whispered to himself. He catched up with her and hooked his arm with hers and gave her a cheeky smile.

"Now whats got you in a good mood?" She questioned him with a smirk. He had a cheeky smile on display.

"Because I get to brag."

"Brag?"

"Yeah.." He said now getting a closer to her, while eyed him.

"Cause I had a date and with the one and only Tali when she is usually busy. Dont you have to work the rest of the week and next?" He questioned her for some reason getting more happy.

"Uh yeah why?" She asked him little confused. He chuckled.

"Well it looks like no one can take you out on a date now can they? Not when you are busy." He said smugly.

Then it hit her.

This man took her on a date, flirted with her and with the addition of her flirting back, on her last day off. No one can take her on a date for the rest next couple weeks because she has a comeback with Blackpink so she can't even have a mini date with the members because she wont even be around them.

She looked at him so offended.

"You...you did this...for what?" She questioned him as they make it to their building. He laughed at her question.

"I have bragging rights now, your last day, you flirting back willingly and good at it too." He said chuckling too. She just had a blank face internally regretting the past what 3 hours maybe a couple more of her life. But she then didn't, since she had fun.

She shook her head at him now suppressing a smile from coming to her face.

"What am I going to do with you Bon bon?" She said putting in the pin code to the dorm. Knowing that she now has to face the consequences of today. He chuckled once again and had a smile on his face. He wrapped his arms around her waist and head on her shoulder.

"Love me more." He said slyly.

"Ha in your dreams." She retored back now opening the door. She saw the boys in the living room chilling.

"Hey guys we are back." She said smiling at them while Jaehyun straighted up with a smug smile on his face but still has a hand around her waist.

"Buuub~" Haechan whinned going up to her about to hug her but Jaehyun's hand was in the way.

"Ay hyung move your hand." Haechan said trying to swat off his hand from her waist so he can hug her the way he wants.

"Nope." Jaehyun said now hugging her fully, pulling her away from Haechan.

"Heyyy." Haechan whinned holding on to Tali's arm.

"Where did you guys go anyway?" Doyoung asked ignoring Haechan's whinning.

"We went to-

"Went on a date."

Everything was quiet, the boys were processing what Jaehyun just said.

"WHAT" Haechan screeched out, making Tali srunch up a bit to Jaehyun's chest now giving him to opportunity to hug her tighter.

"But, WE MADE A DEAL NOT TO SPEND ALONE TIME WITH HER TODAY!" Taeyong yelled out feeling betrayed.

Now Tali was even more confused."What?"

"So we made a deal not to hangout alone with you on you last day off because it would make be unfair...to the rest of us." Johnny explaines now kinda embarrassed.

"I didn't even suggest it Tali did." Jaehyun pointed out. Tali made an offened face but then thought about it.....she did, didn't she.

"Well you came into my room and I was bored what else was I supposed to do?" She defened herself.

"So flirting with me was one solution?" He pointed out.

"Nah don't put that on me you flirted first."

"You flirted Tali?" Taeyong asked surprised.

"Yeah a little."

"A LITTLE?" "YEAH A LITTLE."

"N-" "Shhhh I'm going to my room peace people I have a schedule tomorrow." She shushed Jaehyun from talking, she went to her shared room with Mark as she shared a room with him in 127 dorm when she stayed over.

Everyone saw her close the door and then they looked back at Jaehyun offended.

"So you went to her first?" Taeyong asked sassily.

"Yeah, it was nice for the mattera fact and she flirted back too which was the best part." He bragged then started sipping his smoothie.

"Ah Jaehyun whyyy." Taeyong whined knowing damn well he can't spend time with her for the next 2 weeks.

"She wanted to, and I gave her what she wanted." He defended himself.

Haechan huffed also wanting to have a date with her since he hasn't been able to properly hang out with her. Then he thought of something.

"TALI~ COME AND CUDDLE WITH ME TONIGHT!" He yelled out for her waddling to her and Mark's room.

"NO COME CUDDLE ME INSTEAD." Yuta yelled out shoving Haechan out of the way heading towards to door.

Then everyone else joined in.

Jaehyun was now smiling smugly sitting on the island chair looking at the chaos he had made sipping on his smoothie.

"You are proud of yourself aren't you." Johnny said sitting next to him.

"You have no idea."

[tteokdoroki]

💜- I love you so so much, and I love reading everything you write. I want to give you a big hug and kiss.

Well I just finished studying for a bit, I have a math tests tomorrow but math is my strong suit so I’m not worried. But I am working on some Kiribaku fluff to send in. I have been in a writing slump lately so I’m forcing myself to write.

Also I’m so shocked cause I am finally okay with being single, and I’m doing great in life and I’m not bothered by my singleness but now people wanna date me? Let me specify. In the past three weeks I’ve had not one, but two 15 year olds who have a superiority complex, think they are so fucking smart, brag a shot ton (and lie to my face) ask me out. I DONT FEEL COMFORTABLE DATING SOMEONE THAT YOUNG. I get that it is like a 2-3 year difference but it’s weird that I’d be going to college while they were in their third year of high school. And both of those boys had a hard time taking no as an answer for anything. The kid today kept trying to take my phone case off to compare phones and I said no in a polite way 3 times, until I had to be firm. And the other guy kept on pressing for me to talk about why I’m not religious. Like wtf.

In conclusion I hate the guys in my school. And I love you

hugs and kissies are very much welcome 🥺🥺 i am spoiled by your love !!

im sure you’re going to do great in your exam baby, you’ve prepared yourself well by studying and it’s understandable to be nervous, but remember your best is all anyone could ask for and your grades do not define how great you are !!

im excited for the kiribaku fluff!! i know im gonna enjoy working on it !! please don’t force yourself to write too much if you’re not up to it tho!! especially not for my sake bubba <3 Also im very proud of you!! accepting singleness is sometimes very hard and the fact that you’re going places and feeling good about yourself is amazing and wonderful!!

as for the stupid smelly 15 year olds, ugh man, that’s so annoying and especially disrespectful on their part. how hard for them is it to understand that you have boundaries and limits and just cos they show off doesn’t mean you’re interested. i swear men and boys have no social cues esp when it comes to harassment and if i was there I’d beat them up for you, kid or not they can catch these fists. no one pressures my girl into anything and lives to tell the tale >:(

[skittey]

Really don’t want to sound like an asshole but that pic of yours saying that when you sit down your thighs don’t touch is so misleading. You’re not putting your legs all the way down in the chair, I’ve had a thigh gap my whole life, been underweight, my whole life and have a bigger thigh gap than yours and even my thighs touch when I relax my legs all the way down in the chair. If i held them just barely touching the chair though it’d look like yours. Why lie and give unrealistic expectations?

im not gonna make a big ol post abt this since i am not gonna defend me-deep-in-eating-disorder or purposefully trigger anyone beyond saying Yes my knees were not on the chair but my butt and my upper thighs were.

Thats what my ed brain was proud of. Obviously my legs weren’t relaxed and I aint gonna claim they were. But, for someone bragging about having a bigger thigh gap, you also need ta be aware abt how your language effects people recovering... aka myself.

It put me in a really shitty headspace to hear someone talk about how my thigh gap wasnt-even-that-big when for me that was a genuinely low weight and SHIT mental health point for me due to that weight. Yes for me it was an accomplishment to be able to sit with my legs half touching while still having a gap, and hey isnt this picture you’re referencing the one where I later posted a ton of text on it about how I would never want to mentally be in this place again, even if I could be at that weight?

Maybe you’re talking from a place of being triggered and thats why your words are coming off so defensive, and for that Im sorry. But your words hurt too

[hyuwujin]

♡ random tag ♡

I was tagged by my amazingly talented hyunjin stan besties, @hyunjinh and @hyuunjins ! Ty for tagging me bbs, ILYYY!

1) 5 favorite groups?

Stray Kids

BTS

ASTRO

GOT7

BlackPink

2) Top 5 on your bias list? (no particular order)

Hyunjin

Yoongi

Vernon

Bambam

JinJin

3) Ult Bias group and why you love them?

okay,,,woah, this is reaaaally hard to answer bc stray kids came into my life recently whereas BTS has been around for about a year askasd Okay, if you asked me in December who my ult was, no doubt I’d say BTS. All of them are so hardworking and to come from a small label and be such a huge sensation? Imagine the amount of work that had to be put in. Imagine the sleepless nights and meals they didn’t eat because they were working so hard. Esp, with Burn the Stage on yt, we’re learning so much of their hardships during their trainee days and it really breaks my heart. On another note, their lyrics! They aren’t all typical and pointed toward girls and I love that! We have songs about society, hate, and government (i’ll get into stray kids in a bit) I could go on. I appreciate every single one of those boys and I’m so proud of them, even if i haven’t been there for them since the beginning.

Whew;;;

Okay now? Am i allowed to have two ults? Bc I also love Stray KIds with my whole heart. They’re the group, I’ve spent the most time and money on alksjsad I’ve been there for them since predebut and that holds a special place in my heart! Watching their journey from being trainees to debuting is really going to stick with me. I was there when minho and felix were eliminated i’m sorry for bringing this up agiksjdh and I WAS ANGRY AS HELL AND SAD AND WANTED TO KILL JYP. I was there when they returned and I remember my heart swelling to see them again. Overall as a group, I just love these boys so much and I’m excited to see where they go with their music. They’re already questioning society and the thoughts going through teens/young adult minds and I JUST LOVE IT ALDSKSD

4) Ult Bias and why you love them?

As much as i love love love love love Hyunjin, I think my ult has always been Yoongi. He’s the guy i literally handed my heart to askldhs BTS was probably the group that really got me into kpop and my oh my, Yoongi just came on screen and I was breathless. i’ve got a thing for rappers alright? dont @ me. Anyway, don’t get me wrong, I love ALL of bts but Yoongi has a special place in my heart and I’ll always know him as that guy who drew me more into kpop sdjasd I COULD GO ON ABOUT HOW HARDWORKING HE IS BELIEVE ME! 

5) Favorite Kpop Meme

hmm, fav kpop meme? I think i like jungkook’s “pardon” the most asldkjsd

6) Favorite pic of your ult? (I dare you to only pick one)

oooooooh, this is difficult. I love blungi (blue haired yoongi) with all my heart bUT WHEN HES BLONDE? IM DECEASED;;;

(not my gif)

7) 5 Favorite Kpop MVs

I tired not to repeat artists alksdasd

Euphoria - BTS

Trauma - Seventeen

Baby - ASTRO

Hellevator - Stray Kids

Hate - 4minute

8) 10 Favorite Kpop songs?

Go Go - BTS

Grow up - Stray Kids

Crazy Sexy Cool - ASTRO

As if it’s Your Last - BlackPink

Lost - BTS

Don’t Wanna Cry - Seventeen

YAYAYA - Stray Kids

Just Right - GOT7

Daydream - Jhope

Change Up - Seventeen

9) Favorite Kpop crack video?

askdhasd The reason I grew to love bts so damn much was because of the crack videos. Deadass, I spent my entire spring break of last year ONLY watching crack videos. Hm, i think my favorite has to be the “waKE ME UP iNSidE” or “When Suga forgot his SWAG” adkhas

10) Favorite content creator within the fandom?

I think we can all agree that everyone blog made in the stray kids fandom is talented af and amazing!!!

11) What fandoms would you say you’re an active member of?

I used to be most active in the ARMY but...ive lost inspo for writing buT I STILL LOVE MY BOYS. i’ve been the most active in th e the stray kids fandom, much more than ARMY, i can tell you that. For bts, i’ve written fics and done fake texts but for sk? I’ve done that AND made moodboards, video edits and some shitposts asldkjsd

12) Take your top 3 biases- fmk

F(riendly convo with) - Vernon bc he just seems so funny and memey and ilh

M - uhh hyunjin bc we’re the closest in age and um,,,i love him???

K - Yoongi bc whenever i see him i wanna punch myself in the face lasdjd

13) If you could be best friends with any idol, who would you choose?

He’s a bias wrecker and it’s Kim Taehyung! Ngl, i wanna marry the hell outta that boy but i think we’re more compatible as besties adasd He just seems like he would be my personal bubble of happiness and he’d be there for me when i need a good laugh or someone to vent to.

14) If you could date any idol, who?

Okay so he isn’t even my bias but Jungkook???? Idk i just...whenever i see him, my heart just swells and i just wanna hug him sometimes and he looks so cuddly and he’s so funny and memey and omg i need to stop. so yeah, i love jeon jungkook and idk what to do with myself....

15) What’s one Kpop album you think everyone should have listened to?

BTS - Wings (that entire album kILLS me)

16) Are you a soft or a hard stan?

uhhhh i think i’m more of a soft stan but i’m not toTALLY innocent as hell.

17) An idol that makes you go into soft mode?

Jeongin. Have you seen that bbs smile? 

18) An idol that makes you want to smash the empire state building with one single punch?

Definitely Jungkook asdljasd

19) Favorite vocalist?

Kim Taehyung, no doubt. His voice is just so low and smooth and woah it can put me to sleep. 

20) Favorite Rapper?

Okay, i’m mentioning A LOT of bts and i’m sorry oops. I love Yoongi’s rapping ssosososo much but Changbin’s growling kind of rap? GIVES ME DEATH. AKSDH not gonna lie, i was intimidated the first time i heard him but after a while (and knowing he’s actually a big softie) i really grew to love it so much ah.

21) Favorite dancer?

Hyunjin! Any mv or dance video i’m watching, my eyes linger to Hyunjin bc I JUST LOVE HOW HE DANCES SO MUCH AHHHH

22) Things you have in common with your ult?

Nothing. Honestly, i doubt Yoongi and I have anything in common sldakjsd so i guess i’ll go with my 2nd ult. So ppl tell me i’m soft and shy like Hyunjin? So there’s that but I also notice how CUDDLY hyunjin is w/ everyone. AND ASK ANYONE I KNOW PERSONALLY (i’m looking at you, chels @pcysconverse​ ) IM SUCH A KOALA AND HUG AND CUDDLE EVERYONE ADLJSD

23) The most beautiful trait any idol can have?

i love modesty aslkjasd You know, those idols who work so hard and then brush it off and don’t bother to brag about just how hard they’ve worked. I love that.

Physically, smiles are the way to win my heart. 

24) Songs that will always make you jam along?

District 9. On friday, my friend and i were listening to it on the train and we were jamming, all the while people probs sent us weird looks.

25) Your worst wrecker?

Jeon JungkOOOOOk! *jimin’s voice* 

26) Any kpop concerts you’ve been to?

I went to an ASTRO fanmeeting back in February! 

27) Favorite choreo?

GoGo;;;; YOLOYOLOYOLO YO :))))))

28) Favorite live performance?

LITERALLY ANY FIRE by BTS PERFORMANCE. This one is a personal fave tho.

29) Favorite debut mv?

i DONT’T HAVE ONE ASDLJSD

30) Recommend a rookie group

stray kids bc i think they’re tho only one i know adlksad

31.) A kpop song you could listen to every day for the rest of your life?

Euphoria bc i have been listening to it everyday asldkjasd

32) Tag some cute mutuals you’d like to get to know better (and to do this challenge)!

@seungchanie @hyyunjinn @jeongin @straykidzz @straycuties @minhomygod @realstraykids @changbeanie @felixthekoala and anyone who’d like to do it!

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 11 | “You let me like a parasite leach into this game and I will not be going anywhere”- Ali

Alright, so now it's my time to either put up or shut up. This is the round I really need to make this move in order to put myself in a much better spot moving forward. Either Ali or Autumn need to go this round, and I need to figure out how in the hell I can make this work. I know me, Devon, and the three Beauties are in for this plan, but I'm really concerned about Jakey this round. For some reason he's not being fully forthcoming about his thoughts about this vote, and with someone telling me that him and Ali might be close, I'm really concerned that he may go and ruin this plan. I don't want to think he'd do that - he should know I have had his back since Day 1 and I still think he has mine - but like... this ain't a fun spot to be in. Part of me wants to stack on Autumn and pretend like it's supposed to be a split vote to get Ali to use his idol if Jakey does tell him, but it would be worthless, but I don't even know if that would work. So I think I really need to figure out what Jakey is ok with here and then figure out how I can guarantee the heat doesn't come on me if this plan is found out.

I- just... you think you know people. Me and Adam rn https://media.tenor.com/images/ad6bd858d5371eb4ad2755d4a11bc748/tenor.gif but also me and Adam rn https://i.pinimg.com/originals/b8/d0/26/b8d026447effad19676de7e8ccc05c6f.gif Not Adam calling me at midnight to tell me that the whole ass tribe is planning to blindside Ali. I can't even get into the tea fully cause I'm in my bag now that I know 6 people think so little of me and will to lie to my face all day tomorrow but like it's fine. They will be dealt with, Adam is a king, we will get our Emmy's tomorrow for bamboozling everyone back, and I will 100% get Ali to play the idol he (probably?) has when I lay all the cards at 7 pm EST tomorrow lmao. And I'm really gonna get Jakey and Deovn's double agent asses- THAT I do know! Just you wait cause like I said before: name an ally I won't kill

to THINK, to literally THINK i wanted adam out at a point in this game. adam is literally the only person i trust in this game, i will be the kingmaker for him to get the win he deserves. what a genuinely lovely man, im so glad we are both still here. it sounds like there is a blindside being cooked up for little old me this round and for what...i'm borderline inactive, i cant connect with anyone in this game like... voting me for what... for literally what. also if jake is voting for me i will literally scream into the void this is so stupid for him. i am literally so far up his ass in this game all season and yet he wants to send me packing and for what. adam literally is my god send, as is devon's inability to keep literally anything a secret? like i trusted devon... so much?! and yet he literally threw me so far under the bus my squished up corpse is a 2D shape. i'm so... shook?! and also i still cant decide if i think jake is in on this, but if he is... im screaming? what a clown decision. but literally i cant believe this. im so excited to idol out one of the generic men in this game out tomorrow, they can all literally suck it up i cant wait. i want to be the kingslayer, i want to be the person who votes out amir for the first time in tumblr survivor. screw keeping big threats around, fuck that noise. i'm going to literally go through metamorphosis and become alyssa this season. i will be the mother hen who takes the bullet for my allies moving forwards, adam/autumn will make it further and further (plus jake if he is proven innocent and not a snake) anyway cast assessment: augusto - he can have such empty conversations for hours?! like this tribe confuses talking lots with social game. but like with him its a real i don't love your excess energy, go girl give us too much... would love to see him do literal anything beyond just having nothingy conversations... that does not a winner make amir - WOW his galaxy brain is so big. honestly i have to be impressed with amir, the fact he has this tribe misted that he is not the mastermind he is... a testament to his skill. i want to idol him out tomorrow adam - literally my jesus. i owe him my life in this game and i will stay true to that. i cant believe i didnt trust him at first wow... i hope adam gets the win this season autumn - my other goddess.. the literal love of my life, i want her and adam in the f3 this season if i cant make it. i want an autumn hill two time winner yes please and thank you devon - okay devon remains SUCH a sweet guy but oh my god does he play like a snake HELLO. he literally pumped me full of hot air for literally nothing wow woww wowww. he has lied to me for rounds and rounds for literally nothing... am ready to get that snake caught in a trap jake - i think the man who i was willing to give up my entire game for has been lying to me, i feel the exact same way i felt when my boyfriend cheated on me like this feels so personal... and i dont even see the endgame for jake with this hello!? my heart is broken, i literally watched sharifa play in sequester for HOURS with that man and for what?! for WHAT kendall - a literal sweetheart, never dissed. hope she goes far the only non-fraudulent one of the bunch tj -askjdlfsa he is so... stale jKLJKASDFAS like as a player go girl give us nothing. i wish he was being deadass when he said we were gonna squash our beef but i guess not huh? clownery from me i see anyway its almost 8am i need bed. im fueled by rage and im ending the generic men. adam and autumn are the loves of my life, brain, brawn and beauty are linking UP.

GORL yall better hold onto your britches this is gonna be a LONG one, so immunity happens, a music challenge, which i knew was right up my alley, i was confident going into it and tbh i had no idea what was gonna happen this round, so i decided to take a risk and use my challenge advantage, WHICH PAID OFF BECAUSE BITCH I AM T H E SONGSTRESS, DO RE MI FA SO LA TI DA UP OUT MY FACE BECAUSE YALL CANT GET ME THIS ROUND. who would've thought little old me would end up winning not one, but TWO individual immunities in a single season! im always dragging myself but for once im so PROUD of myself because with my last one there really wasnt anything to brag about, it was handed to me, which kinda did feel nice in a sense considering i know no one trusts me yet they wanted to still keep me around, but like this one was M Y own WIN like on my own merit. I'm an aries, dont ever count me out because i will deliver all the gags and all the goops so after my win, i know im 100% safe, so i start to think... hmm well idk who i want to go so i guess ill see and wait if anyone says anything to me, and then DEVON calls me and we're having a convo when all the sudden he gets real coy.... and starts going "OMG ADAM UGHHH I DONT KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS OR IF I CAN OR CANT" meanwhile, obviously i wanna know the tea so im like well bitch! spill! and he tells ME that apparently, him, jakey, tj, amir, and augusto have all allegedly been in talks and want to BLINDSIDE ALI THIS ROUND because they think he has the idol...and purposely leave me and autumn out? ill get to the THOUGHTS i have on that soon, because oh, i have SEVERAL thoughts, but as he tells me this he's basically just saying OMG PLEASE IM TAKING A HUGE RISK TELLING YOU THIS DONT TELL ANYONE ELSE, which, i DO trust devon slightly, but here's where the problems began and im gonna break it down for yall, 1) ONCE AGAIN, THE BIGGEST PHONYS IN THE GAME FAKE 1 AND FAKE 2 AMIR AND AUGUSTO LMAO LIKE .... DID WE NOT JUST END THE BEEF WE HAD WITH EACH OTHER BECAUSE YALL WANTED TO GO BEHIND MY BACK AND NOT INCLUDE ME IN THE PLANS, ONLY FOR YOU TO DO THE SAME THING YET AGAIN??????? 2) Devon also TOLD me straight up and he was kinda laughing when he said it "im gonna be straight up no one trusts you in this game but i do and thats why im telling you", because AMIR/AUGUSTO ARE TELLING EVERYONE I HAVE THE IDOL FROM BEAUTY. WHY WILL NO ONE BELIEVE ME AND WHY ARE THEY BELIEVING THEM I DONT HAVE IT. LIKE I CAN OWN MY GAME AND MY MISTAKES AND THE ONLY THING IVE DONE TO DESERVE DOUBT WAS MY STUPID LIE ABOUT THE AUCTION BUT E V E R Y O N E LIED LIKE WHY AM I ALWAYS THE BAD GUY? YALL WANT ME TO BE THE BAD GUY, CHUN LI? BECAUSE GUESS WHAT, I CAN BE. ive been playing this game with ONE mindset only. I'll be semi honest with everyone, but lie to me and then you can no longer believe a word i say.... and 3) devon also told me, while he trusts me and wants to go far with me, everyone else doesnt want to take me out this round, next round, or even 7, theyre planning to go for me around like final 6......ok so what im hearing is people are ALREADY trying to plan when to take me out and while he may trust me, i basically would have no way to play the game other than with him??? which why would i just sit there and accept that fate...OH AND ALSO 4) him and everyone else really just expects me to sit back and knowingly vote against kendall, who WOULDNT be going home so they can blindside ali...... so id literally lose a friend in this and gain an enemy? do i have idiot plastered on my forehead??? well, i guess they were right not to tell me about the plan because BITCH I RAN RIGHT TO ALI. Like honestly, screw all those people, i feel like ive done NOTHING so horrible to make people dislike or distrust me so severely so i feel like i dont owe anyone a damn thing. why would i just sit complacently waiting to get picked off at 5/6 and put all my eggs in one basket when i single handedly can change the whole game right now, and thats exactly what i plan on doing. At this point im TIRED of people overlooking me and thinking they can play this game around me and get away with it, but whatever, YALL WANTED GOOD TV, YALL WANTED A SHOW WELL BUCKLE UP BECAUSE YALL MAY BE GOOD AT THIS GAME AND GOOD AT BEING FAKE, BUT YALL DONT KNOW WHAT YOU GOT YOURSELVES INTO WITH ME, IN THE WISE WORDS OF TAMMIE BROWN, YOU WANTED CRAZY, WELL YOU GOT IT NOW ali was SHOOK when i spilled the beans to him, and i told him like look this is me giving you my trust because he's the only person who's shown me respect besides autumn and even if he wasnt being genuine, at least he's being SMART AND GUESS WHAT IT'S GONNA SAVE HIS GAME BECAUSE BITCH HE TOLD ME HOW HE HAS THE IDOL- NOT JUST ONE, BUTTWO OF THEM FJADHSKJFH GORL FIRST OF ALL im so happy i can STOP PLAYING 2048 THAT DAMN GAME WAS GOING TO BE MY UNDOING, SECOND OF ALL I LITERALLY CACKLED ON CALL WHEN HE TOLD ME, I KNEW I COULD TRUST MY GUT ABOUT HIM, OH AND IT GETS EVEN BETTER HE ALSO HAS THE IDOL NULLIFIER EFSDKAJH WHICH MEANS....if we play our cards right......we can take out whoever we want, maybe everyone was right to be scared of us. I'd be scared, i think they should all be scared, yall wanted to say fuck my drag time and time again, well watch me bring it to the runway now. we also agreed we need to let autumn in on this, which could be either the BEST or WORST move....i really THINK i can trust autumn, her and ali are hands down my #1/2 in the game, and devon right behind, although if we pull this off, i told them both i dont want to get devon since he let me know this, i think even if i blindside him and dont let him know, i can at least justify myself enough to him and let him know him going home was still never an option, but i called autumn right after ali and told her all the same tea and at first she was kinda hesitant about it all, but i knew her and jakey had a good relationship so the hardest part for me i think was making her really believe he's against her which i think i did a good job of making her believe because she SPILLED the tea to me about how her/ali/jakey had an alliance, and i absolutely did just kick him out and take his place oop, which i dont trust jake at all because something about him/amir/augusto is so shady, you mean to tell me they voted you out and he hasnt tried to go for them or vice versa this whole time.... my gut is telling me they're in kahoots, and would 100% be a solid 3 against me down the line... my whole game rn hinges on autumn believing me because its the TRUTH i just told her what i was told but clearly i painted it a little more my way oops, so as of now the plan is autumn and me will both keep playing dumb tomorrow, then around 7 pm we're gonna "tell ali" the plan (which i already told him) but autumn doesnt know he has the idol yet, so ali will confirm it to her, and we'll make our move. I'm going to push for it to be amir, i want him OUT OF THIS GAME. im SICK of him and augusto prancing around like the wicked step sisters and treating me like cinderella. but who knows, maybe devon telling me was strategy on his part so i tell ali and we flush the idol and they vote autumn, but i have to hope that all those people are good enough with autumn that they dont want to do that just yet... but i mean, ali does have 2 so we already said if we feel like we need to use both, one for him and one for autumn, it's an option. Also if any of them have the idol ... this could become a mess if someone plays one right after ali, this could also just fall apart if they split the votes 3/3 sedkfha the odds of me actually getting my way....are feeling slim, but im gonna be hopeful because it's all i got, if this works, it could be my winning move, but if it fails, and there's a high chance it fails.... im gone next round... but with ali staying i dont think thatll happen, he's a shield for me and someone i can trust, im taking a page from the michele winners at war book, and he's my jeremy. I trust him, and i need him in this game for at least a few more rounds or im just gonna be dragged along and disposed of at some point. And if i leave then whatever at least i can say i caused chaos, which im always down for.

So I think Ali is getting sketched out by this vote, so now I am working with Jakey and Devon to figure out a plan to make Ali feel safe and not play an idol. But I'm like... oh dear... this could really blow up in our faces if this doesn't work. And I'm over here trying to communicate now to everyone what is going on so that they don't panic and I'm like... wasn't I just on the bottom? Now I feel like I have some kind of power again? I like this feeling, but also, it be scary as fuck.

If last round was the calm before the storm, this round is a full on hurricane of a vote. I have spent the past round or so trying to rally the troops against Ali and I think it can finally happen? He has two idols, a vote reveal, a idol blocker, and a killer social game so these people need to smell the roses and get him out. I really hope I don’t leave but if this is my undoing, at least I tried to make a move! 

tribal is in a few hours and i have a WHOLE ass headache because i dont know what's gonna happen....so last night devon LITERALLY told me everyone but me/autumn were gonna be in the vote against ali... but then today he's telling me jake doesnt know he thinks......am i crazy? did i mishear?? or is he trying to gaslight me.....because i KNOW what i heard and i literally led this whole jake slander campaign to autumn and ali, autumn doesnt think we can trust jakey because i can see devon feeling nervous after telling me that and then they try to tell jake to get in good with us so he knows our plan, but it also doesnt really make sense if jakey works with them unless my conspiracy about him/amir being in kahoots makes sense....so i dont fucking know what's happening, if it were up to me this would stay between me/autumn/ali and we'll ask for forgiveness rather than permission on the next day... autumn/ali are on call rn and theyre supposed to let me know after because autumn is supposed to "spill" the tea to ali (which i already spilled last night) and then we'll go from there because since he does have the idol we just need to place our votes very carefully in conclusion; there's gonna be some angry gays one way or another after tribal (and a few confused heteros)

I don’t think anyone respects me... which is annoying because I am currently playing a social game. But even more annoying because nobody listens to me!!!!!! Like literally all we have to do is switch to Autumn!!!! Switch to Autumn and everything will be fine and no one is willing to do that. Ugghhhhhhh god damnit I’m going to lose my mind.

I WILL CONFESS LATER BUT WE ARE SENDING DEVON OUT 4-3 AND IM GONNA IDOL MYSELF BECAUSE IM SCARED... IM READY TO BE IN FINAL EIGHT AND IM READY TO FIGHT.

Fucking THIS AND ALL THESE FKING PEOPLE IM SO DONE, I literally have no course of action, I’ve went through every single plan in my mind and every single one reaches a dead end, I don’t know the details of how the idol block and vote reveal work I can’t switch the vote to jakey, because Ali will vote reveal and then idol jakey and then I’m left with 4 people who want me dead and jakey blowing up my game I can’t split on autumn and Ali because we don’t have the votes without jakey I can’t fucking do anything at all I have to be passive, but I have to be alert Ali isn’t gonna go, jakey isn’t gonna go, autumn won’t, and adam wont It’s going to be me or my allies So I just have to try and make it not me at this point 

I think devon is about to leave and like, that is okay, just be who you are 

[psychotic-nightmare]

I just needed to get this out it’s been eating at me for a couple days...

Don’t you dare fucking say I didn’t want you then. That’s a god damn lie and you know it. I spent every waking moment talking to you, and all my time was spent with you. I worshipped the fucking ground you walked on. Just cause I’m a little different and didn’t want things as often you, you consider that me not wanting you. Go fuck yourself. If I didn’t want you why do you think I still fucking cry, why do you haunt my thoughts all the time, why do I have this fucking depression with out you? Why is it I used to beg for you to come back everytime we talked. Or when we talk once in a blue moon I talk about how much I miss you and your body. Why is it I try to “flirt” a little hoping you would want me back. Oh right that’s not me wanting you. If you need to think that to justify ripping my heart in two and stomping on it. Then I guess that shows your true colors. I was 100% faithful in our relationship unlike you. I hope you remain as lonely as I will be. You’ll never get love like mine, you’ll never find another person like me. But guess what asshole, the things I didn’t want then I want now. These months on my own all alone made me branch out and understand a lot. They made me realize that I’m a lot more open than I thought. And I am proud of how much I have changed for the better. But you don’t deserve me, I realize that now. You won’t get to know the new me. You’re the one who fucked up in the end, you lost a genuine, down to earth, funny girl. I know I’m not pretty or attractive or anything to brag about, but I was always true I was never fake, and I was there for you 110%. I hope you regret losing me. Just remember I didn’t want you. I guess this is me moving on? I hope so. You moved on, why can’t I right? I say this now but once I cry myself to sleep I’m gonna wake up and feel totally different.

Adding to this after calming down. Like im glad you’re happy don’t get me wrong. I accept youre definitely gonna find someone real soon because youre amazing and really attractive. It really hurt to know you say I didn’t want you. That’s such a bullshit lie. I don’t regret saying all this but I do at the same time? I don’t have anyone to talk to about this stuff, so this blog is my place to vent. I just wish I had a second chance. I wish I had confidence I wish I knew how to pick up a man. But I just need to learn and accept the fact that I don’t deserve to be happy, and I’m unloveable and unattractive. I just need to accept that I’m going to single for the rest of my life. I’m just so lonely, and I want sex and physical intimacy and to be cuddled and to be loved and to be happy again. But that’s asking for too much.

[ready-press-start]

Mega Dump of Content Because, I Mean Look at This Blog, It's Just Full of Neglect, It's Like the Bastard Child That No One Likes, and It Just Stays in Its Corner, And Doesn't...I'm Droning On, Aren't I? 😓 Oops...MEGA DUMP OF HISTORY!!!!

Jesus Christ, look at all the cobwebs and shit in this place! I'm obviously not a very good Tumbleweed, or whatever the young ones call it these days... (Tumblyolo, Tumblswag, Tumblame, whatever it is 😂) I started one of those 30 day challenge things in the birth of this blog, literally, the first post, and I've only gone up to Day 6! 😅 I should be finished by now, jeeze I slacked off! But anyways, let's try and finish this challenge in one sitting, and then upload this on the shitty Internet that exists in Portugal, shall I? 😂 (I swear, Portugal actually has absolute shit Internet, it makes me miss that crappy McDonald's wifi everyone uses but is super slow...but it's blazing fast, compared to here. 😫 I almost miss decent Internet as much as I miss Banana ❤️ but anyways, LET'S DO THIS!! 👍)

Day 6: How I'd Spend $10000 (not pounds, fuck Britain! (Thank you for helping discover Canada, much appreciated, Papa bless))

I'd invest in stocks! Stocks are guaranteed to succeed every time! (What? No! They don't! 😅)

In reality though, I'd probably spend it all on Banana, or I'd just give it all to her for her to take care of. If I spend it on her, I'd just travel with her everywhere, I know she would love to travel, and you can travel to a lot of places for 10 grand, right? ❤️

(Oh, and btw, Banana is my girlfriend/bae/future wife 😋❤️ shes not an actual banana, even though she says she looks like a banana in a dress. I don't think that's true though, in fact, I think she's smoking in a dress 😍😉❤️) Day 7: Things I Like/Dislike About The Way I Look

Likes: MY HAIR! I can do whatever, cut it short, grow it out, use product and style it, this mane of hair just comes out looking like a million bucks, every time! 😂 But yeah, I also like my upper body, and my legs.Oh, and not to brag or anything, but I gotta say...my butt. I think I got a pretty great badonkadonk. 😏😋

Dislikes: I got a gut...I'm rockin' the dad bod'! I'd like to lose the pillow a bit though.. 😅 Day 8: My Last Night Out In Detail

My last night out? I'm an old fart, my nights out here in Portugal are always the same, I go for a walk/run at the park, and I talk to Banana. 👍❤️ And then I see all the other old farts walking while I'm doing my walk/run thing, and it makes me realize how much of an old fart I am now.. 😂 I need to go back to Canada, and go back to people that are my age, then I'll have some variety in my life. 👍 Day 9: Something That Makes Me Sad When I Think About It

That I'm here in Portugal when I want to be with Banana... 😔❤️ but it's only a month left until I go back, soon enough, we'll be in each other's arms again! ❤️❤️

Plus, she made me a couple videos to cheer me up whenever I miss her, and those really help! 😊❤️ Day 10: One Thing I've Lied About

That I'm the best...I'm not the best...I'm such a liar...I'm only second best...I've been living a lie...how can I be the best if Banana is the best? 😋❤️

But yeah, if you really want something I've lied about, ask my parents when I was a teenager. It was just lie after lie at that time. If I wanted to hang out with my friends at the time, it had to be. So many "projects" that I had to do with them then. Those were the days... (I don't miss them 😂) Day 11: Would I Rather? Desert Island. Someone I Love for 10 Years. Someone I Hate for 1 Month. Survive. Discuss. Long Question. I Make Short. Go Me. 👍

Someone I hate for 1 month. No question. I can survive on a desert island for that long, I'll just drink my own pee or something. That'll both give me nourishment and chase away the person I hate, because I SEE THOSE JUDGEMENTAL EYES YOU'RE GIVING ME, YEAH, I'D DRINK MY OWN PEE LIKE BEAR GRYLLS! I GOTTA SURVIVE, AND THAT'S ALL THE SURVIVAL SKILLS I KNOW! 😂

(Btw, if this was a "dessert" island, I'd bring the person I love for 10 years. An island full of desserts?! We'd both enjoy that! 😂❤️) Day 12: Something I'm Currently Worrying About

I'm worrying about Banana. ❤️ I love her, and I'm always gonna worry and care for her, so it's just a natural thing that'll always happens. I'm sure she can relate, I'm sure she's always worried about me too. ❤️ Day 13: Name one person off Tumblr that I'd throw off a cliff, one I'd marry, and one I'd shag

Banana for all three. 👍😋 The marry and shag, well duh ! ❤️ But the throwing off a cliff, she's probably like "WHAT THE HELL?! 😤" But I can explain! .....don't you wanna go bungee jumping sometime? 😂😂 Day 14: Something Disgusting I Do

Everything. I fart, I pick my nose, I grab my crotch, whatever, I'm a dude! Dudes are disgusting!

(Banana, if you're reading this, this isn't true, I'm as clean as can be! This is just to keep up appearances, make sure they guys still look at me like another guy, but you know me, why would I do any of that stuff I just said?!?! 😂😂) Day 15: Lyrics That Apply To My Current Situation/Mood

Pace Is The Trick by Interpol, great song, and I think the lyrics apply to the situation I'm in too. I'll just put the link --> https://genius.com/Interpol-pace-is-the-trick-lyrics <-- 😋👍 Day 16: A Drunken Story

ST. PATRICK'S DAY! I'm sure Banana can recall that day. 😂 Let's just say someone consumed a little bit too much, and the other someone had to help that first someone out a little bit. 😋 All in all...not a bad day. 👍😂 Day 17: Something you Regret

NO RAGRETS!! I'm not really one to regret many things, a lot of what I've gone through, I've learned from, and it's helped shape me into who I am today. 👍 Day 18: To-do List

Finish this post, go back to Canada, get a proper job that pays well, get a place to live, have Banana move in, get married to Banana, travel with Banana, have kids with Banana, grow old with Banana. 😊❤️

Oh, and another to-do...Banana! 😉😏❤️ Day 19: Post a Picture Without Makeup/Hair Done.

THERE YOU GO! Day 20: My Best Sexual Experience/My Sex Life or Lack Thereof

Sex? Never heard of him... 😂 Day 21: Press Ctrl+V and Post

OH NO, IT'S TWO PICTURES OF ME WITH NOTHING DONE, I'M HIDEOUS!! 😂😂 Day 22: Post a Bit of My Last IM Conversation

Nononononono, no thanks, I'd like to keep the conversations between Banana and I private, thank you very much! And then with my friend, James...he just gloats about how much farther he is than me on Diamond Dynasty in MLB The Show 17...it's like...how rude... 😂 Day 23: 5 Things That I Want to Change

1) The fact Banana isn't with me! ❤️ 2-5) See number 1. 😋👍 Day 24: My View on Being Tumblr Famous

Oh, it's amazing! I wake up every morning and just feel so honoured! I'm so thankful for each and every one of my follower!

That's not a typo.

I have 1 follower.

Tumblr famous, my butt... 😂 Day 25: Someone I'd Like To Be For a Day and Why

I'd probably be Banana for a day, and why I would is pretty simple, I just wanna know what it's like to have boobs and stuff, you know? I'm sure every guy thinks that, I mean, it's all guys think about, boobs, right? HIGH FIVE GUYS!! (Again, Banana, if you're reading this, this isn't true. Like I said, appearances, need to seem like a dude, you get it... 👍😂) Day 26: 5 Things Within Touching Distance Right Now 1) My Phone 2) My Tablet/Laptop Hunk-O-Junk 3) My charging cable for my phone 4) My Wallet 5) ...you know... 😏 (My basketball, wow, think dirty much, jeeze! 😂) Day 27: Name and Shame from Facebook Or Whatever

Facebook? Never heard of her... 👍😂 Sounds ancient anyways 😅 Day 28: An Embarassing/Socially Awkward Situation You've Found Yourself In

Stripping down in a men's change room at a gym or swimming pool with no stalls. I don't know, I just can't do it...there's just so many old man balls hanging out...and then I just start thinking to myself...how can my new man balls ever compare to all those years of experience?! 😅😂😂 Day 29: Something I'm Not Proud Of

I can finish two bite brownies...in one bite...Oh hell, what am I saying, I'm proud of that!! 😂

I'm probably not proud of how I behave under pressure though, I panic, I become all flabbergasted, and I don't think clearly, it's pretty embarassing... 😓 Day 30: The Last Argument I Had

Should I have that last piece of chocolate? No, you shouldn't, you're trying to lose weight. Yeah, but I've been doing so good... No, you don't need it, just let someone else have it. *Eats last piece of chocolate* I told you not to eat it, what are you doing?! What? I really wanted it! Oh my god, you're so weak! Shut up, I'll do better next time! And that was an argument I had with myself when I wanted to eat some chocolate... 😅👍 AND BOOM, I'M DONE! SUCK IT TUMBLR!! 😂😂 (In all reality, Tumblr, if someone accidentally deleted their post, why don't you have a way to retrieve that goddamn post, I had to do this twice! Twice! You trying to kill me or something, Tumblr?! I am disappoint. 😑) But yeah, this was my mega post of epic whatever I said at the top, I don't remember, it was ages ago, and I'm an old fart. 😂 Tune in next week for more cobwebs! Buh-bye! 😋

[ammanujuju]

24062017

dear diary,

ps. might be some triggering words like mia shit, don’t say i didnt warn you.

today i did something i thought i was finished doing. i ate, felt guilty, and then went purging.

i think it has something to do with the fact that i sleep incredibly much these days. on wednesday, i was only awake for a total of five hours the whole day, the rest i slept. same on thursday, only i was awake for nine hours because he came to visit me. and yesterday i fell asleep 7p.m and woke up 8a.m, in other words i don’t do a lot of things expect for sleeping. anyways, i think because of that i haven’t eaten that much, and i can already see the results of it. my stomach isn’t as big, and to be quite honest it’s really satisfying to watch.

so earlier, i sat for a while and thought, should i interrupt this process and make me some noodles and broccoli, or starve? i used my common sense and rolled my eyes as i started making my food, and ate it without any problem. it wasn’t until i finished, i thought for myself, was it really worth it? i sat for a few minutes and felt so bad, was that really necessary? i mean i didn’t feel any better, the feeling of being hungry was better that the feeling of being full. 

i started making excuses like “ahh maybe the food is already digested, next time!” but then i had to look it up, and nope it wasn’t too late. i immediately ran into the bathroom and purged. i felt like shit afterwards, but hey, my stomach is thinner for the party i’m going, so it’s a good sign. 

so to more happier writings, i am going to a party later. the party i was at the weekend before was sooo much fun, and i bought this shirt a few weeks earlier which made me feel really good, so i’m going to use it again. i hope he’ll be there. it’d be so fun for him to see how good i’ll look, and i just want to see his face again. seriously, i’ve only been thinking of his defined and strong face features all day, how can someone look that good? he also makes me laugh, even if i don’t want to, and i could really use that now.

now that i am alone at home, my friends requested for me to make them mojitos. i don’t think people quite know how much confidence boost it is for me to know how much they appreciate my bartender skills? to be honest i’ve never had any skills to be proud of. not that bartender-skills is something i’ll brag about around the dinner table, but it’s something. i was always picked last when we had football in p.e, when people were sat in the same group as me i could sense their annoyance. and now, even my 25 year old cousin, who really loves making drinks and shit, complimented my mojitos. that surely made me happy. so, J, A and E are arriving later. i missed socializing actually. since monday, i’ve been all alone in this house. K, my crush, even said it sounded really depressing. can’t lie either. luckily, K has been my rescue and has been here every night. 

the other night when he was here, he decided to do a basic trick and took my phone. he literally made me run after him all around the house, not only was it super tiring, i was so afraid that he was gonna figure out my code, which is really simple, and see all the things i don’t want him to see. but when he ran into my room, i finally had it but he managed to push the both of us on the bed. K is literally the strongest person ever, so he managed to hold the phone so tight that i had to use all my strength just to have a grip on it. he even rolled on top of me, and stared into my eyes, as cliche as that sounds. that was enough for me to fall for him even more, ugh why am i so weak?

for some reason he took a pink cap and my cigarettes, like right in front of me. when i asked for them back he was like “but why do you need them if you don’t smoke?” and i thought it would be lame to start explaining that everytime i’m drunk i get these smoke cravings, so i always have them in my back pocket, so i just kept silent. i sent him a message two nights ago though and told him i needed them back, and he said that he was going to give my cap back yesterday and buy me new cigarettes today. when i told L, my best friend, about it, she shook her head and said this was only an excuse for him to be with me more. i doubt it, but it still makes me happy. at least i have an excuse for telling him to get his ass over here tonight.

i’ve always thought “why does he like me?”, like how? i’ve always thought that i am 2 while he is a 10, and i told A about my thoughts and she laughed at me and said “babe, you’re the one who is out of his league. i hate that you don’t see how gorgeous you are.” i don’t know whether to believe this or not, but it made me feel better about K and I. 

right now i am sitting in bed, just waiting for the clock to be six pm so i can go to the shower. my hair looks the best if i shower last minute, but i am afraid K will come a bit earlier and then my door is locked and im in the shower. sigh, i have to do it anyways lmao. and i also have to eat something, not much, just something so my stomach won’t make sounds and so i won’t be such a lightweight tonight.

i actually feel so much better after writing this down, makes me feel lighter. something will happen tonight, i’ll write it all tomorrow.

xoxo, s.